Kayla

11:37 am:
My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

06:23 pm: Confronting a problem is supposed to resolve it isn't it?

I feel foolish, embarrassed, and stupid.

And still confused. I don't know what's best for me. I never do. I guess the fact that I'm unsure is an indicator that what I currently have is not best for me.

At least I've managed to separate the two issues, instead of having the one dependent on the other.

I've lost touch with my sense of me. I guess a month off of school is the perfect time to "find myself."

I'm just afraid that me trying to be more independent will just result in my being more lonely. And this time of year is definitely not a time of year that I want to be lonely.

06:04 pm: What a craptastic day.

I have to spend Tuesday night (night before "Reading Day" meaning I should have been getting drunk) at my Mom's house because I have a morning dermatologist appointment in Glendale. I wake up far too early, get to the dermatologist where they don't take me in for half an hour after my appointment is scheduled and then make me wait another 15 mins before the dr. comes in. I leave there, head back to Tempe around 1:00 only to almost get killed by all the crazy drivers trying to weave their way past the huge accident on McDowell and I-17. I get home, sit down at my compy and write my 5-7 page take home final essay for lit which is due tomorrow, finish it just in time to drive to ASU to meet my lit professor to help me with the OTHER essay i have due for her tomorrow. i try to park in structure 5 like i normally do, but it's not late enough and the gates are down and i don't have my key card cuz tagan has it so i go and park in front of manzy at the meters, realize i have no money, put the little in that i have and then book it to my prof's office. i wait for 20 mins outside while she finishes up with someone else, go in and talk to her, get the good news that i haven't completely fucked up my essay and leave. just as i am about to get to my car, i see the meter guy walking away, and i find a parking ticket on my car cuz the meter expired. i drive home, almost hit another car, and then come home where i am trying to decide whether to do my other essay tonight or to wait until tomorrow (the day it is due) to fix it since i don't have to turn it in until 6 PM.

and that's just TODAY'S problems...

09:23 am: You'd think after the third time I'd know how to deal with this.

But then again, it's never been quite this complicated before...

10:53 am: The most fantastic thing EVER
So I've been freaking out about my stats exam for the last few days cuz I haven't been going to class. So I happened to check blackboard now (a couple of hours before the test) and this is what it says:

Wed, Dec 01, 2004 -- NO EXAM TODAY DEC 1
THIS IS NOT A JOKE-- I HAVE CAR TROUBLES AND WILL NOT MAKE IT TO CAMPUS TODAY!! PASS THE WORD!! WE WILL GO OVER THE ENTIRE EXAM TOGETGHER ON FRIDAY, AND EVERYONE WILL GET A PERFECT SCORE!! I TRIED TO CALL THE DEPT OFFICE TO LET THEM KNOW, BUT THEY ARE OUT OF OFFICE ALL DAY TODAY!! PASS THE WORD!!



THAT IS SO F***ING COOL!!!!

12:39 pm: just looked up what pederasty is...we DO love boys don't we Anjali!

12:37 pm:



it makes sense that anjali would be my scandalous partner...but seeing as how i haven't seen or talked to kris since last year, i have no idea why he would have not just one, but TWO positions in my staff!!!

02:40 pm: Battle flag in the bassinet
Oil and blood on the bayonet
Crowded downtown hit the floor
What are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

The world got smaller but the bombs got bigger
Holocaust on a hairpin trigger
Ain't no game so forget the score
What are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

What will I tell my daughter?
What will you tell your son?
Where were all the doves?
That we were nothing but a shadow,
a faceless generation devoid of love?

The crucifix ain't no baseball bat
Tell me what kind of God is that?
Ain't nothing more godless than a war
So what are we fightin' for?

What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?
What are we fightin' for?

What will I tell my daughter?
What will you tell your son?
Where were all the doves?
That we were nothing but a shadow,
A faceless generation?

What are we fightin' for?

10:11 am: Well, it's over.

No, I am not moving to Canada

The thing that bothers me most though is WHY the majority of people voted for Bush.

National security? No

Economy? No

Foreign policy? No

According to exit polls, the majority of people who voted for Bush did so on "moral issues"

That's just great.

Ignore the deficit. Ignore the economy. Ignore all of the innocent people dying for a war over oil and Halliburton contracts instead of "freedom." Ignore the fact that the true terrorist threat, Osama Bin Laden, is still free and enjoying the relief our involvement in Iraq has allowed him.

But, praise God, gay people will not get married and women will lose their control over their own bodies.

Here's to another four years of praying down the debt and alienating the rest of the world.


"I never meant to say that the Conservatives are generally stupid. I meant to say that stupid people are generally Conservative. I believe that is so obviously and universally admitted a principle that I hardly think any gentleman will deny it." --John Stuart Mill

04:57 pm: DAMN!
So, I could have sworn Taylor made me register to vote months ago...but since I never received a voter card in the mail, I assume that I didn't.

The deadline to register to vote in this election was Oct 4.

F***!

For all I know, there may never in my lifetime be another election in which I want to vote so badly. If Kerry loses, I will feel personally responsible. Shame on me. I ought to be stoned to death.

VOTE KERRY! =)

10:59 am: Poll
Here's the poll of the day:

Do you tell your boyfriend when one of his roommates makes a move on you? Make sure you weigh the following:

1)It was most likely an isolated incident
2)It means the boyfriend will most likely go try to kick his roommate's ass
3)It has the potential to ruin a long friendship and fuck everything up in the house
4)Based on what "making a move" actually was, the roommate seems to have done it primarily out of hidden feelings, not a hormone-driven desire to violate an intoxicated girl

So what do you do? Tell the boyfriend? Shut up and see if anything else happens? Confront the roommate?

All responses are greatly appreciated.

05:21 pm: My first college blue book essay in...less than an hour. Thank God it's not worth nearly as much as it ought to be.

I'm so frustrated. I've been trying to get Tagan to ask his dad if it's ok if we go up to the cabin for his birthday, but he never did cuz he figured it wouldn't be a big deal. Then his sister called him a couple days ago, and got all upset when he told her that he wouldn't be around on Saturday, cuz apparently she took off work without asking what his plans for the weekend were. Anyway, I guess she called their dad upset and crying about it, so his dad called him...now Tagan feels weird asking his dad if we can go up there since Torrie is upset and his dad was not too understanding about Tagan not being around on Saturday since Torrie took off work. So it looks like we're not going...I had so many plans, and now, I have nothing planned for his birthday, which makes me feel bad. It's so stupid too, cuz it's not like a tradition that Tagan hangs out with Torrie on his birthday at all...they aren't even that close. Ugh, whatever.

I will be happy as a lark at 9:30 AM tomorrow...all of my stressors will be gone, and the weekend will be here!

02:49 pm: I absolutely despise Thursdays. I stay at the apartment, alone, for most of the day, doing the reading I need to have done before my night class and doing my accounting homework for Friday morning. I have so much time, but nothing really to do. I get lonely and sad, and become more and more unhappy at the thought of going to my 6:05-8:55 class. Never again will I take a once a week class. It's so close to the weekend, but for whatever reason, I get so damn depressed and lonely on Thursdays. I only have a few more hours until I have to leave, but nothing and no one to fill those hours =(

I haven't drank at all for two weeks straight, and I know that doesn't seem like a very long time, but oh how it is to me. I don't think since summer started I've gone more than 3 days or so without getting drunk, and usually it was less than that. I feel different. Not just "not hungover," I just feel better. But I miss it at the same time too, especially on the weekends. Two dry weekends in a row is hard when you haven't had a single one in 4 months. I know I don't want to completely abstain from drinking altogether, I just needed to figure out what I can do without compromising my education, health, and appearance. But so far, it has been good for me.

Tagan and I were awake at 3:50 AM the other morning cuz I was sleeping so crappily, and after going to the bathroom, Tagan announced that he thought he heard people having sex on the couch. After seeing Jeff and Katie passed out on the couch when I left the next morning, all I can say is firstly "Ewww!" and secondly hats off to Jeff for finally getting some. But next time, take it to the bedroom, PLEASE.

Anyway, now that everyone is thinking about what the sluttiest costume is they can get away with on Halloween, I wonder what I'll do. Maybe I'll do the same? Eh...probably not.

Tagan's birthday is next weekend, so I'll be at the cabin in Pine next weekend...this time, without his Dad. :P

Anyway, I guess I'll try to be busy for a few hours. I'm in a fuzzy state of mind right now anyway.

02:03 pm: I feel like there is no need for conversation
Some questions are better left without a reason
And I would rather reveal myself than my situation
Now and then I consider, my hesitation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

I wonder if the things I did were just to be different
To spare myself of the constant shame of my existence
And I would surely redeem myself in my desperation
Here and now I'll express, my situation

The more the light shines through me
I pretend to close my eyes
The more the dark consumes me
I pretend I'm burning, burning bright

There's nothing ever wrong but nothing's ever right
Such a cruel contradiction
I know I cross the lines its not easy to define
I'm born to indecision
There's always something new some path I'm supposed to choose
With no particular rhyme or reason

03:59 pm: I'm so lonely right now...

and knowing that at 6:00 I have my 3 hr American Ethnic Literature class where I don't know a soul just makes it that much worse =(

01:26 pm: Ugh.

I am getting stressed out with school work. I am ONLY taking 12 hours, AND I am not employed, and still it stresses me out.

And yet I still find myself turning in job applications.

Tagan and I have been really up and down, I almost thought I might "take a break" at the beginning of the week, but realized my unhappiness was being misplaced and he wasn't really to blame. I love him so much - I wish I didn't, it's fucking debilitating. But, I'm putting school first and him second, so it's all good for now.

I'm not sure, but I don't think Billy and I are friends anymore. I went to the D-backs game with him, other Billy, Kathryn, Matt, and James and we had a big long talk and he assured me that his feelings about me were purely platonic. However, while walking to the car afterward, he decided it would be funny to throw water in my face, which made me cry because
a) I react enormously to any form of violence involving my head or face
b) I looked like shit because all my make up ran and Billy knew I was going to see Tagan right after
c) It's really disrespectful to throw water in anyone's face, especially a girl

So, I got mad, he got mad cuz he didn't think I should be mad, and we haven't talked since. Oh, and I hit him in the face with my almost full water bottle after he threw the water in my face. I threw it slow, I wasn't trying to hit him, I figured he could have dodged it or caught it! So anyway, yeah.

And finally, Paul has disappeared off the face of the planet because he is "busy, disillusioned" and has "more pressing priorities" than me. Great.

At least Vickey and I are still close. We can talk about anything, and I spent over an hour on the phone with her last week and then went lingerie shopping with her on Sunday. That was funny, and I got the best thing ever -->

http://www2.jcpenney.com/jcp/ProductLargePic.aspx?imgname=http%3a%2f%2fa673.g.akamai.net%2f7%2f673%2f175%2f2004091615%2fcache2.jcpenney.com%2fimages%2flarge%2f0900631b80aaf2c8L.jpg&ReturnURL=PROD%7c597%7c21483%7cDEP%7cG%7cPRD%7c0a7331e%7c1%7c8%7cbra+sets%7cWomen%27s%7cBridal%7c21478%7cProductList&PopUpBlocked=true

So anyway, I'm not doing the best with retaining friends it seems. But can I really blame them when I'm never around cuz I'm always with Tagan? At least I still tried calling you, Paul.

Oh well, if nothing else, I'm becoming better friends with Chris, Jenny, and Jeff.

Oh, and my roommate Christie. And my other roommate who finally moved in, Jacqueline. Yea guys, if you're curious, you'd probably think she's hot.

Anj, when are we going to go on our little shopping adventure?

Goddamn, I have my three hour class tonight...at least I already have all my homework for tomorrow done.

05:42 pm: Nothing like me and Tagan kicking Jeff and Chris' asses in good ole texas hold em...and then watching the old lady answer sex questions on tv

and incubus is tomorrow...yay!!!

yay for 4 day weekends too...kayla doesn't have any classes on tuesdays =)

03:08 pm: Things have been so up and down lately. And it's all my fault pretty much, I've just been moody for whatever reason.

I quit my job at Pure Fitness...lots of reasons behind that decision. I was sad at first, but I think that was just cuz I am going to miss working with all of the kick ass trainers there.

So, in August, I didn't really hang out with Billy at all because things had crossed the line in my opinion and he was making me uncomfortable. So, since he didn't seem to mind my absence, I figured it wasn't an issue anymore, plus I know there's some girl in Tucson that he has questionable status with, but after bleaching his hair again for him the other night, I feel like I'm at the same place again. It's things like him constantly picking me up and throwing me on the bed or wherever, play fighting and wrestling with me seemingly just to get his arms around me and then leaving them around me for too long afterward, hugging me all the time, and the innuendos, which fortunately haven't gotten to the point they were at previously. He also his constantly questioning me about how things are with me and Tagan, and ever since I made the mistake of divulging some details about a fight Tagan and I had, he's taken every opportunity to remind me of why I was upset with Tagan in the first place;

"you are jobless once again, you have much more free time, which is probably going to be occupied by that unsupportive, non-satisfying, hypocritical boyfriend of yours. jk, or am I?"

Oh, and he asked me out on a "date" for the weekend.

I don't really know what to do, I don't want to lose a friend, but I feel like this is just a vicious cycle - I love Tagan, and have no desire to be with anyone else. Maybe that's all he needs to hear...but I swear I've said it before.

09:39 am: Ya know, Jenny trying to convince me to work at Hooters with her isn't half as crazy as the amount of time I've actually spent considering it...

09:15 pm: A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil" is masculine-"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups - male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether
"computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
possible later review; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3 . They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The girls won.